Title: A confession from Augustine
Anneyong future me, Hello August! I'm back to update
Just when you thought August going to be great. Sike! All you do is just lay around and procrastinate at its best. August for me just . . . gloomy, storm and dark clouds and there this thunder peeking through the big cloud. I couldn't reach my monthly goals 😖 (well actually I did, but just one task) I barely finish one book but here I am ordering the new one on Shopee.
I guess. . . we cannot get what we wanted or wish and sometimes things didn't go as we planned. You know I thought I could be "the main character girl", Augustine. But then I realized that girls only exist in the fictional world that people create so I don't think I could live on that idea. It was nice and beautiful and sweet but in real life, we need balance, The dark stormy grey rainy days can also be what we need and turned out to be therapeutic (?)
I start this entry with one of my relatives, my uncle from my mom's side was tested positive for Covid-19. Things happened so fast that we didn't expect that one day he's fine and the next day he was admitted to the hospital due to a low oxygen level. It was unfortunate for him and his family because they have to quarantine themselves at home. So my other aunties had to go back and forth to send some food and essential things for the kids. And now Alhamdulilah, he's back home to his family.
Last week, we received another unfortunate news from my adopted family, Ibu. Ibu and Ayah were my adopted parents when I was just a toddler. They helped by babysitting my brother and me when we used to live in KL. Ibu's family told us Ayah has died due to Covid-19. The news was too sudden that I couldn't even grasp it in my head. I just lost someone who loves and took care of me in the hands of Covid. I know I barely remember or have memories with them but my mother always told me that Ibu is a lovely person. Even though we are non-blood-related but as far as I remember, they are just like my parents and my favourite uncles and aunties who I always cherished and loved (forever). We had a tahlil for arwah Ayah and at that night I realized deep in my heart, that I wish he didn't die because of Covid. I wish . . . I wish that I could see him and Ibu again in a healthy state so I still have time to visit them.
Losing Ayah brings me memories back when I lost my uncles, aunties, the elders like NekTeh, Nekcik, and Uncle ( I don't know their real names, this is what we called them) when I was a kid or during a teenager phase. I barely understand and what I feel at that time was sort of normal. It's normal when people are gone or dead, we mourn and the next day, we carry our lives as usual. that is what I used to think. But right now, I feel like whenever I lost people the pain is going to be permanent and I can't stand or bear to lose anyone or acquaintance right now (especially those who are really close to my heart) in the mid of a pandemic where I cannot go to their funeral, saying goodbyes for the last time. It hurts my soul.
I have lost the great people in my life forever, they are gone. . . turn into mist dust or settle in somewhere island, they are not returning as they book a one-way ticket so does that pain of losing I am feeling right now. I hate this feeling, and I hate the realization is brutal and honest.
And tonight, my thoughts suddenly bring me back to my old dear bibik, Bik Sofea. I have no words to write or to say because I'm done writing them in my poem. All the saddest thoughts are about her.
So that's all from me, I started to think August is probably the longest and the most plot twist month I experienced. LOL. But that's later when I'm ready to tell. Later when I got my sparks back because right now, nothing excites me anymore. I'm looking forward to September being smooth and may Allah Taala ease whatever decision I made.
,u12